A friend of mine just got back from driving to Detroit for a memorial last Saturday. Before he left, we talked about his feelings for this memorial. I recall him telling me that he was a bit anxious, nervous and apprehensive at the same time. “On one hand, I just want it over with,” he told me. “On the other hand, I don’t.”

I could understand his sentiments for the memorial was for his mother who died and was cremated in March.

Due to everybody’s schedule, it was decided that a memorial in May would be best and would work for everyone who would want to be there. It is quite common to have this arrangement around here although some people there might frown at this practice and think of it as strange. That’s beside the point.

For a few minutes, my friend sat in my office rehashing everything that took place last Saturday. Foremost, I asked him how he feels. Weird he says. “I am disappointed, still in disbelief and really sad,” he added. I could understand that and I could only try to imagine what he’s going through.

He told me how touched he was to see the number of people who showed up and how surreal it was for him to listen to people - friends and relatives alike - speak so highly, reverently, respectfully and lovingly of his mom.

One of those people who spoke at the memorial was a lady friend of his mother. He started telling me how his mom and this woman would always go to this indoor/outdoor type of market in Detroit. Through the years, the vendors have gotten to know the two ladies pretty well that they were on first-name basis with them. One day, the vendors noticed that his mom’s friend was alone so they started asking her where her friend was.

I looked at my friend as he told me this story and I noticed that tears started to well in his eyes. I could just imagine how he was feeling at that moment as he was telling me all these. “From the flower vendors at the market to the other vendors that my mom was in contact with,” he said, “they were all asking my mom’s friend about her. It was neat to listen to something like that.”

He shifted gears a few times, going from funny to poignant stories involving his mom and his brothers. He also told me what he did before and after the memorial and the stuff he uncovered when he went to his mother’s house. “Nelia, I kid you not,” he told me with this huge grin on his face, “I found my baby tooth in one of my mom’s drawers.”

My friend, who is 40, found pure joy in telling me of his great find and it was endearing to see how an “enamel” piece from his childhood brought him to this unstoppable mode of story telling despite the sadness in his heart.  He went on to tell me that he found all the birthday cards, mother’s day cards and Christmas cards that he sent his mother as well as a lot of his school projects and drawings from when he was a little boy that his mother saved through the years.

I sat there trying to hold myself together because I could feel his anguish and extreme sadness. Who wouldn’t? For anyone who has lost a parent or someone close, the pain of that loss goes deep within like a wound that will never heal. It is a void and a hole that will never be filled and will stay that way for as long as we live.

I remember telling my friend, “Your mom knows before she left you that she has prepared you for this. Painful as it is, you have the beautiful memories that you shared with her to carry you for the rest of your life.” He quietly agreed.

Hearing the bits and pieces of my friend’s difficult weekend, I could only imagine what it’s like to be him right now. The youngest of three boys, he was the closest one to his mother. To make matters even worse, his mother’s memorial came just a week before Mother’s Day. I pointed that out to him and he became pensive right away. He looked right through me and I could tell he was trying to hold back tears. “I know, well, that’s just life I guess,” he told me with that foreboding sense of acceptance.

That’s just life…this reverberates in my mind after he left my office. My friend is still lucky. Despite his loss, he was able to cultivate and nourish that special relationship with his mother up until the time she passed. However, with Mother’s Day being here and far more reaching than a dozen roses and the gifts, it does not take a betting man to know that he would rather have his mother by his side more than anything else.

A loss is a loss and with the celebration of this special day comes the inevitable reliving of that loss whether we like it or not. For some, this special day may bring to the surface the kind of relationship they have with their mothers and whomever they consider as a mother figure in their lives. For the reluctant souls who look at this day as a day of reckoning rather than a day to show their appreciation, it’s decision-making time. In the end, it really is your choice to do what feels right at the moment.

However, all mothers could attest and agree that it will take more than just one day (let’s try a lifetime) to acknowledge our sacrifices and what we stand for as mothers. Our children could not even begin to understand what that means unless they become parents themselves. But hey, I will take a day of universal reverence anytime. Even if it is just one day a year, it sure is better than nothing so why not!

I’m lucky to have my kids when I had them. My relationship with them is absolutely different than what I have with my mom. It’s generational, hands down. Believe me, the growing pains were difficult as a daughter. Through the years, I wrestled with the definition of what a good daughter should be; the learning curve was more painstaking than I expected plus I don’t think it helped that I was a bit of a rebel when I was growing up. But like everything else in life, you learn to accept, you learn to adjust and more importantly, you come to terms with it.

Time is on my side and I am truly grateful for that. It gives me the chance to let my mother feel how much she is really appreciated. It gives me an opportunity to let her know that her imperfections are part and parcel of what makes her who she is. Time will allow me to let her know that my love and my brothers’ love for her are unconditional.

Mother’s Day is always hard for me because my mom is there and I am here. Through the years, we make do with a phone call. We’d talk about the usual stuff and silly things, exchange Mother’s Day greetings and be on our merry way until the next phone call.

Regardless of distance, what really counts is remembering your mother on this special day. Suffice it to say, unless your relationship with your mother is irreparable, there is still time to pick up the phone or send her a card; sure, a dozen roses and a pretty box with a really nice ribbon would go a long way too.

Till next time…give “the woman” in your life a big hug and lots of kisses!!! Happy Mother’s Day!!!

 

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