My mother-in-law
is still with us

Dear Tita,

My father-in-law died in 2002 and my wife asked me if we could let her mother stay with us, as she was all alone in her big house. All her three children were married and living with their own families. My wife, being the youngest, was her mother's favorite and she was most concerned about their mother. I readily agreed as I love my mother-in-law.

She is a loving, caring lady who welcomed me into their family when we were newlyweds and she never interfered in our marital spats. Our kids adored their lola who showered them with gifts and food. When she got sick with diabetes and hypertension, it was my wife who took care of her, especially when she was in pain from severe arthritis attacks and could hardly walk.

Unfortunately, tragedy struck our family early last year when my wife died suddenly due to an aneurysm in her brain. It was a big blow for all of us. We couldn't believe that she was gone. My mother-in-law's health deteriorated rapidly after my wife's death. The doctor said she was suffering from dementia aside from her other illnesses. She became irritable and would complain a lot all day. The kids tried to take care of her but her tantrums became difficult to take. We had to keep changing our household help because they couldn't stand her and her demands. Often we don't have a maid which is very difficult for us as I'm working and the kids are at school. I have to look for extras just to watch over my mother-in-law. The cost of everything is quite heavy on our budget.

This has taken a toll on the kids. Their grades are suffering and they can't even have their friends come to our house because their lola complains of the noise. I keep telling them to be patient and understanding with their lola as she is sick. We are still grieving over the loss of my wife. I don't know what to do about this situation. Please help.

GRIEVING WIDOWER

Dear Grieving Widower,

My heart goes out to you and your family over the death of your wife. You are bearing two heavy burdens - her loss and your mother-in-law's illness. I admire you for taking care of the old lady. You have been a good son-in-law. But isn't it time for her other children to share the load? Why don't you talk to them and tell them of the situation? Their mother is their responsibility too. They can't just expect you to sacrifice so much when they should be the ones to take care of their mother. Be frank with them so they can be aware of the situation. You have done more than enough.

TITA

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