New Year odds and ends

“Why Am I Married?

“Your have two choices in life. (A) You can stay single and be miserable. Or (B) You get married – and wish you were dead.”

“At a party, one lady asked another: “Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” And she replied. “Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.”

“A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then, she is finished.”

The little boy asked his father: “Papa. How much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied: “I don't know son. I'm still paying the bills.”

The young girl looked up from her geography book and asked: “Is it true Papa that in some parts of Africa , a man does not know his wife until he marries her?” The father replied: “That happens in every country, hija.”

Then, there was this lady who said aloud: “I never knew real happiness until I got married. And by then, it was too late.” “Just think. If it were not for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all”.

And here is “A Wife's Prayer”: “Dear Lord. I pray for wisdom – to understand a man; for love – to forgive him his trespasses; and for patience – to accommodate his moods. But I do not ask Lord for strength. Because I might just trash him to death.”

As 2008 begins, a friend has sent in some of “the top morons of 2007.” Can you tap these? he asks:

Moron #1: A frantic man phoned the hospital. “My wife is pregnant. And her contractions are only two minutes apart.” “Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. “No!” the man shouted, “This is her husband!” Are we on the same wavelength?

Moron #2: Police had good luck with this robbery suspect: he who couldn't keep his lips zippered. The cops asked each man in the lineup: “Repeat the words: ‘Give me all your money or I'll shoot'. This man protested 'That's not what I said!' Come again.

Moron #3: American Telephone & Telegraph Co. fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Will the real dummy stand up please.

Moron #4: This man was arrested for trying to hold up a bank without a weapon. He used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he pulled his hand out of his pocket to receive cash from the teller. Bingo!

Moron #5: This man kidnapped a motorist. He then forced his victim to drive to two different automated teller machines. There, the kidnapper withdrew money – from his own bank accounts. Now, what was Plan B again?

Moron #6: No matter how much power they poured on, their brand new speedboat wouldn't budge. After an hour, they got a mechanic who checked and found everything – from engine to ballast – in perfect working condition. So a diver plunged in to check the keel.

Now, remember this is a true story: Under the boat, the diver found, the trailer, still securely strapped.

Moron #7: Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who'd barricaded himself inside his home. After firing 10 tear gas canisters, officers discovered the man was standing beside them in the police line. He was shouting with them: “Please come out and give yourself up.”

By way of New Year's greetings, a professor friend sent what he called a “lesson in corporate economics” and asked: Where does the Philippines fit in?

French Corporation: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good. Italian: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

Japanese Corporation: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

Russian: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn now you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

German Corporation: You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. Communist Corporation: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

American Corporation: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the second one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

Taliban Corporation: You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

Happy New Year.*

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